Friday, March 03, 2006

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's...OWWWW!

Have I ever mentioned my sort of not quite super hero alter ego? We all have them, you may not of found yours yet but you have one, I am quite sure. My alter ego is not quite super, only slightly above average hero called…wait for it…CONTUSION! My power, which is not exactly super but could totally come in handy in certain situations, is the ability to cause uncomfortable sprains and bruising. Just think, I could stop a bank robber dead in his tracks by causing him to twist his ankle! Really, it’s not a useless power at all.

Naturally, my costume is a rainbow of deep bloody purple, dark, painful-to-the-touch blue, and a sickening green that lightens to a bilious yellow and instead of a mask, I would sport two black eyes to conceal my identity. I even have a sidekick called…wait for it…MISTER BLISTER. I don’t think I need to explain his powers.

People, it gets better. I am part of a team of not at all extraordinary gentlepeople. We are called…wait for it…THE UNCOMFORTABLES and the team includes the mighty GRIDLOCK and the duel personality of HISTIMINE/ANTI-HISTIMINE (think Two Face with allergies). We’re not super and we are not exactly heroes but…well, that pretty much sums it up.

EDIT: After spending the last hour watching the boys I work with run around like idiots I have decided that MISTER BLISTER should really be SISTER BLISTER. Yes, we are the LEAGUE OF EXTRA ORDINARY GENTLEWOMEN (see, you have to really emphasize the space between EXTRA and ORDINARY, but you get it, right?).

ALSO: Apparently eleven hours is too long to cook potatoes in a slow cooker, just in case you were wondering. I'd say check them after 6 and definitely take them out by 8.


Chris said...

That's pretty cool.

It sounds like your entire team has been attacking my wife, though.

Back in high school, we played a superhero role-playing game called Champions. I had a character called Toxin that grossed everyone out so bad, they refused to play with me until I retired him a made up a new character.

Toxin had total chemical control of everything produced by his body - he could sweat slime to escape from enemies, knock people out cold with his breath, incapacitate a whole room of people with his... uh, bodily eminations, or sneeze acid that would eat through metal. This was before Sewer Urchin on The Tick or The Spleen from Mystery Men.

I should be embarassed to share this, right?

ren said...

pfft. i shared it too and i am not at all embarassed...well, only slightly...well...

Brenda Griffith said...

You, Ben Stiller and Janeane Garofalo... I can see it now. Oh, wait, leave him off cause of the chick thing. I think PMS girl might still be available.