The lies I tell myself on a regular basis:
-It’s not wrinkled, it’s “casually rumpled.”
-It’s not a rat’s nest, it’s “sexy, tousled, bed head.”
-No one saw that.
-It’s supposed to look that way.
-They aren’t grey, they are “Super Platinum!”
-I need the calcium in this ice cream. It’s good for me!
-(Conversely: This ice cream won’t make me sick even though I am lactose intolerant because I need the calcium.)
-That was totally semi-legal (see also: Five miles over the speed limit is still within the suggested guidelines for lawfulness.)
-I could totally rock this song if I just had time to warm up my vocal cords.
-This doesn’t really taste all that spoiled.
-Yoghurt is already spoiled milk anyway…right?
-When I come home, everything will be clean.
-French fries are made of potatoes, potatoes are high in potassium and potassium helps prevent muscle cramping AND I had a foot cramp yesterday. Thus French fries are like medicine.
-It wasn’t me.
-I didn’t mean to insult her.
-I look “pulled-together and professional” today.
-I look like I could pass for human today.
-Awake is good enough.
-Those people are only staring at me because I look nice today.
In other shocking news…last week I twisted my ankle and fell on a busy city street resulting in a slight sprain and a really freakin’ painful knee. I don’t know what the heck I did to the knee but it’s still healing and I have now hit it twice which left me hopping around (once in a parking lot and once in the shower (don’t think on that one too hard, it wasn’t pretty)) and swearing like a very drunken sailor with an expansive vocabulary…seriously the air was fairly blue with the rudeness of it all…for like five whole minutes. Well, this morning I hit myself in the face with a car. A car door to the nose to be more specific but just saying “I hit myself in the face with a car” is far more dramatic and lord knows we all need a little more drama in our lives. For a second I thought I heard a little snap when it happened but I am now quite sure that nothing is broken. It is slightly swollen and still a little painful but really, that’s nothing new to me.
I just felt to need to point out, yet again, that I am NOT grace personified.