Friday, August 18, 2006

The lies we tell.

The lies I tell myself on a regular basis:

-It’s not wrinkled, it’s “casually rumpled.”
-It’s not a rat’s nest, it’s “sexy, tousled, bed head.”
-No one saw that.
-It’s supposed to look that way.
-They aren’t grey, they are “Super Platinum!”
-I need the calcium in this ice cream. It’s good for me!
-(Conversely: This ice cream won’t make me sick even though I am lactose intolerant because I need the calcium.)
-That was totally semi-legal (see also: Five miles over the speed limit is still within the suggested guidelines for lawfulness.)
-I could totally rock this song if I just had time to warm up my vocal cords.
-This doesn’t really taste all that spoiled.
-Yoghurt is already spoiled milk anyway…right?
-When I come home, everything will be clean.
-French fries are made of potatoes, potatoes are high in potassium and potassium helps prevent muscle cramping AND I had a foot cramp yesterday. Thus French fries are like medicine.
-It wasn’t me.
-I didn’t mean to insult her.
-I look “pulled-together and professional” today.
-I look like I could pass for human today.
-Awake is good enough.
-Those people are only staring at me because I look nice today.

In other shocking news…last week I twisted my ankle and fell on a busy city street resulting in a slight sprain and a really freakin’ painful knee. I don’t know what the heck I did to the knee but it’s still healing and I have now hit it twice which left me hopping around (once in a parking lot and once in the shower (don’t think on that one too hard, it wasn’t pretty)) and swearing like a very drunken sailor with an expansive vocabulary…seriously the air was fairly blue with the rudeness of it all…for like five whole minutes. Well, this morning I hit myself in the face with a car. A car door to the nose to be more specific but just saying “I hit myself in the face with a car” is far more dramatic and lord knows we all need a little more drama in our lives. For a second I thought I heard a little snap when it happened but I am now quite sure that nothing is broken. It is slightly swollen and still a little painful but really, that’s nothing new to me.

I just felt to need to point out, yet again, that I am NOT grace personified.


Jodi said...

I like you for many reasons, Ren, but the fact that you are just as clumsy as me, really endears you to my heart! Remember when I hit my face with a door jamb/wall? Good times.

Jodi said...

P.S. I hope you, your face, your nose, your knee, and your ankle are all okay!

Chris said...

One year we were going to the beach (to stay with your brother and his family) and when we got over half way there (around Montgomery), the pulley controlling the serpentine belt on our van decided to shred itself. Luckily, we were only a few hundred feet from an exit, so we drove into a gas station (with no power steering, cooling, etc.) and had the van towed to a repair shop. After only a three hour or so delay, a relative came and picked us up and drove us to the Montgomery airport where we rented a car, then we drove back to the repair shop and moved all of our week's worth of luggage, then drove back to the airport because we left something at the rental desk. When my wife came back out to the car (which was some huge land-boat type vehicle), she opened the door and it was more massive than she thought and it hit her right on the cheekbone, blacked her eye, and probably fractured the cheekbone. She iced it the rest of the way to the beach, but it looked like she'd gone two rounds with Mike Tyson. The next morning, a huge pipe rolled over Morgan's foot and sprained her ankle. We toughed it out for a few more days, but then left early. My wife has broken her foot twice - once while stepping off a curb, so we can sympathize.

Hope you heal up quickly!

Brenda Griffith said...

Ouch! Sympathy hugs, and you should go have some soy milk ice cream with lots and lots of chocolate sauce to help you get better. Oh yes, and wine. Lots and lots of wine.

jules said...



ren said...

ladies and gentlemen...MY BEST FRIEND!!! yay! thanks jules. it never gets old.

PurrrL said...

I second you on:
"casually rumpled" - cuz once you wear it for a couple hours, it's rumple anyway.
"bedhead" - really, I LIKE wearing it like that...
"potatoes are high in potassium" --- one up on you: and my large order of poutine adds calcium with the cheese curds.

acmcclendon said...

great list! i use quite a few of these on a regular basis. i definitely think ironing is overrated, and french fries and ice cream (preferrably together, as fries and strawbery shake) really do have medicinal properties, i found a journal article on it, honest, i just can't remember the URL.

ren said...

oh good lord purrrl! i have never had the poutine but i am not entirely convinced it is worth the calcium! to each her own though, i guess.