Monday, September 18, 2006

I do. I did. I'm done.

This weekend was a big one. Well, Saturday was a big one. We spent the day attending a wedding in Ojai. It was lovely. The ceremony was held on a lavender farm and although it was very sunny, it also was nicely breezy, so it never got too hot. And the bride was smart enough to gift the guests with parasols to keep the sun out of our faces.

The reception was equally lovely. The only strange thing was that rain of ash from the sky. Omen, you say? Nah, just a raging fire on the mountains that turned the sky and eerie purple gray and make it look like Christmas, what with the falling from the sky and all. I tried to convince people to catch the little flakes on their tongues but no one was sucker enough for that.

Having done the wedding thing once and having been through many more with my friends, I am going to say something here that most people won’t say. Weddings? Just don’t. Get married if you must but I gotta say, weddings, not so much fun. Oh, you go into thinking that YOU won’t get stressed like all those other brides (and grooms), that YOU won’t get fleeced by the vendors, that YOU know the best way to do everything. But let me tell you, I have yet to see anyone that actually was enjoying themselves come wedding time. And while I had a fine old time at my own wedding, I can’t deny that there was a considerable amount of stress around my mellow little outdoor service and brunch reception.

But the best wedding I have ever been too was probably the worst wedding ever for a bride, so maybe I am wrong. Maybe the entertainment value for the friends and family makes it all worth it. Let’s see how this goes…well, first the car with the bride and bridesmaids broke down. This was in the days before cell phones so someone trucked to a pay phone and called the tow truck. The wedding was slightly delayed while the bride and bridesmaid drank the bottle of blackberry brandy that happened to be in the trunk and waited for help.

When they finally arrived at the church, slightly tipsy, I might add, the flower girl refused to go down the aisle. She was dragged down kicking and screaming which, was fine because once they got everyone lined up, the ring bearer lost his shit and started screaming for mommy. OK, still not tragic. The groom, who was not a native English speaker, got so nervous that after three attempts, just delivered his vows in Spanish.

Wait…I’m not finished yet. It gets better.

At the reception, the bride’s brother decided to come out of the closet and declare his sexual status by dancing with his boyfriend, who, by the way, was my ex. But then the bride slipped on the dance floor and broke her ankle. Luckily the reception was being held in a firehall and the e.m.t.’s just came in from the front of the building. While we waited for them, the brother of the bride started a conga line around his injured sister. But you know, the hall was paid for and all so the bride’s aunt just put on the veil and grabbed the bouquet and the party continued on as before. It was awesome.

I never did hear if that particular bride found her wedding stressful. But it is, for me, the ultimate example of the joy a wedding can bring to all…or not.

And speaking of omens, I have a friend who planned to have her wedding reception on a boat that cruised the Deleware River. A few months before the event, she called to tell me that the boat had sunk. Omen? Well…they are still married.


Jodi said...

This is why we did it in Vegas. With seven friends and no family. And no James. You know we purposefully waiting until he was out of town. Well, that's his story anyway.

Brenda Griffith said...

Dave made the cake for ours and I thought he was going to have a stroke when he had to deal with both high-altitude baking and my mother's Sunbeam mixer. We were married in Montana at 5,000 feet and he had practiced the cake in our apartment in Chicago at sea level. When we met, his worldy posessions consisted of a big Kitchenaid mixer, a set of Calphalon pans, a ratty couch and a Mac (and a cat who we still have). My Mom's little Sunbeam was just not Fun for Fondant. There were tears.